My Tailpipe's a Burnin'

Time for the latest edition of "You Know What Burns My Tailpipe?"

Riding on the subway this morning I look over and notice one of the greatest fashion atrocities of the modern age occurring not once, but twice. Women, wearing jeans, with a dress over it all. Now, what in the good lord's name would ever possess someone to try this for the very first time? And how did it go from that and blow up into a fad (about 5 years ago)? And why would these ladies still try and rock that god-awful look?

I really don't understand it. They would look fine with jeans. Equally as good with a dress. Why both? Is this another one of those techniques that women use--like the ole sweater tied around the waist--to obscure a lil junk in the trunk? If so, they are failing miserably...it'd be like putting on a parka to look svelt.

What you ladies don't understand is that men know about these techniques. And, you know what? You don't have to utlize them. How do you ladies feel about men with comb-overs or toupees? They are pathetic attempts to cover up something that the wearer perceives as a major issue but others really don't notice...but the others do notice the bad rug...or the sweather-ass smokescreen.

Heres' some advice: don't use these lame cover-ups. Like a dude with a toupee, you look better without them. If you've got it, flaunt it. You could even wear a big sign on your back that says "Look at My Big, Juicy Ass," just like I do!


And while I'm on the topic of fat-asses: I also saw something that cracked me the fuck up this morning. Getting off of the L-train at Union Square there was this woman donning head-to-toe exercise gear. Track suit? Check. Running shoes? Check. Then she got off the train and waited in line with the other lazy, useless lard-asses for the elevator while hundreds around this 'gym-rat' were hoofing it up the stairs.

Crankin Burnin, Rockin Rollin

Just a head's up: I've posted a few of the tunes I've written and recorded over at myspace.com/pearlysnaps

Crank it up, play it loud!

Rocktober!

Whew! Just looking at my October calendar makes me want to make devil horns and start with the ole headbangin. That's right, the month of October 2007 will heretofore referred to as Rocktober. I gots me some choice tickets throughout the month (gotta love the NYC, baby!).

There is Lucinda Williams on Roct. 4. She is doing a five-night stand here in the NYC (the perks of not living in a "fly-over zone" as she is also playing the same in LA) where each night she plays an album of hers in its entirety. Me, the Colonel and our ladyfolk will be heading to Town Hall to catch the reworking of her self-titled album...called, you guessed it, "Lucinda Williams."

The following week, ex-DBT shred-master Jason Isbell will be returning to NYC with the 400 Unit. Looks like the sold-out show last month (that I, unfortunately, missed!) at the Mercury Lounge caught some attention because he'll be bringing his brand of The Rock Show (tm) to the Bowery Ballroom, which is probably the best venue in the city.

Speaking of the Drive-By Truckers and the Bowery Ballroom, I will get a chance to redeem my track record on the DBT two-night-stand front (don't ask...). On Fri. Roct. 26, DBT will bring its acoustic Dirt Underneath show to Bowery...and then on Saturday they will be playing the new venue Music Hall of Williamsburg, which is basically a three-minute walk from my pad (easy stumble-drunk distance). Gotta love it! I'm really keen to get a tast of this newest incarnation of the World's Greatest Rock Band (tm).

In between these two dates, Spoon will roll into town with its brand of rock-pop. I've gotta give the band's new album a few spins between now and then. The album has a terrible name (Ga ga ga gagagagagaagagagagggggaaaaaaaa....or something like that), but upon first listen, it could prove to be a great album and a great show.

And what better way to cap off Rocktober than a Halloween show. Boy howdy, during this morning's ticket presale, I gots me some Ryan Adams & the Cardinals tickets for that very night. Reports have that band's recent live shows blowing minds. Adams' new-found sobriety, combined with a tighter-than-a-nun sound has been garnering rave reviews from fans and doubters alike.

And that's not to mention two other rockin' events: My buddy Dusty's nuptials tying as well as Flaming Foliage Festival.

Bring on ROCKTOBERFEST! And until then, turn it up to 11 and Rip Off the Knob!

Michael Fucking Vick!

Here's an idea for punishment for this small-minded, needle-dicked piece of shit: I say take all of the dogs that he mistreated and trained to be killers that are still alive. Then have four horses start to draw and quarter Vick. But they should only let him grow taught and not actually tear his limbs off. Just enough to start to hurt and to render him defenseless. Then...you got it: test how well he had trained his dogs: Let them at him. Eat well pitbulls, eat well. But not too fast. Make him feel it. Make him suffer.

Tunes in the Works

I've recently been busy recording a tune I wrote called "Shotgun Shells & Wedding Bells," for a compilation album called "Lies, Drought and Cheap Gas" that will feature a range of tunes from frequenters of the altcountrytab.ca messageboard. This is a really talented lot of folks that includes professional songwriters and musicians and I hope my tune doesn't stand out as the clunker in the lot.

In the near future I hope to have this tune and shortly thereafter a few others posted online somewhere for your listening pleasure. Stay tuned.

A DBT Two-fer

Halle-frackin-leuja, I am on musical cloud nine. The Greatest Rock Band in the World will be rolling up to the NYC in October for a two-night stand of greatness and I've already got the tickets. The Drive-By Truckers will be playing Bowery Ballroom Friday night and at a new venue that is a three-minute walk from my pad on Saturday. The band is reported to be playing in the Dirt Underneath format of recent shows where the band sits on a twisted living-room-inspired stage playing acoustically. This will be a rare and wonderful treat...though I will never ever balk at the chance of experiencing the face-melting bliss of the DBT Rock Show.

The Adamses Invade the Redneck Riviera

Boy Howdy, earlier this month Marnie and I had the great pleasure of travelling to Surf City, NC to spend some time with some paternal peeps who had rented a house on the beach for a week. Because we were late to the party, Marnie and I stayed in a hotel and decided to arrive on Friday night when everyone else would be there Saturday. Bumping around the dive-town of Surf City is good for the self-image: boy, on that beach I was slender, sleek, and really friggin good looking, to put it lightly. Lots of bad hair-cuts, overlapping guts, and spandex bikinis whose seams were being tested with industrial-sized loads.

It was nice once everyone else arrived (and brought the rains with them) and we finally found the house (where in the eff is this place!!!!) where everyone was staying. It was more peaceful and secluded. Plus, it was really great to sit around and shoot the you know what with my family. Plus, it was a great chance for Marnie to get better acquainted with everyone--and they didn't even scare her away. It is all too rare when you can get together with with peeps, whether family or friends, and just hang out. And I didn't take this trip for granted.