Die, Cow, Die!

I've been eating a TON of red meat leately. So much that I can actually feel the plaque affixing itself to me arteries' walls. You see, I am trying to think unselfishly and martyrizing myself for my cause: The Anti-Cow Flatulence Colition. You see, all of these cows are ripping their stinky-assed cow farts all the live-long day. Seriously, try eating some grass, puke it up, and eat it again, and tell me that you're not gassy as all get-out in an hour or so.

These cow farts are a major contributor to one of the people of Earth's greatest challenges: global warming. You hear of all this business about driving less, turning back the thermostat, shutting off all unnecessary appliances, don't burn truck tires, blah blah blah.

Well, I don't want to listen to that--And That Is That! I'd rather just eat a bunch of those darned cows. It'll help the planet by stopping their farting...and it'll help my mood by maybe starting mine.